Escher The Little Children

A child, no more than five or six, stares wistfully out the streaming window and says "Daddy. Why does it have to rain?"

"Rain means God is crying," says Daddy.

"But why is God crying?"

"God is crying because it's raining out. Now drink your espresso."

Join us next week when we'll declaim upon God's icy dandruff.

I Recently Purchased Two Display-Model Palindromes

I paid just 99 cents for the both of 'em:

1. "A man! A plan! A canal! Bensonhurst!"

2. "Madam in Eden, I'm Shecky."

How do you like me now?

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pid places,

badly spelt and

punctuatd poorly."

Vote Republican!

Son of Frightfully Poor Titles For Horror Films

1. Phantom of the Oprah

2. The Thingy

3. The Hills Have School In The Morning

4. The Hunchback of Ipanema

5. The Six Cents

6. The Amityville Chamber of Commerce

7. Children of the Cob

8. I Was a Teenage Flavor Chemist

9. Bram Stoker's Magic Flute

10. Night of the Loving Dad

11. Double Feature: The Diary of Anne Frankenstein/Arthur McBride of Frankenstein

12. House of a Thousand Dalmations

13. The Horse on Haunted Hill

Frightfully Poor Titles for Horror Films

1. Terrier In the Wax Museum

2. Pete and the Pendulum

3. The House That Dripped Sarcasm

4. The Yodelling

5. Carnival of Seals

6. The Hills Have Feelings Too, You Know

7. Dawn of the Dude

8. Don't Look in the Toilet

9. Thems!

10. (The Strange Case of) Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde the Salami

11. Texas Rickshaw Passenger

12. 'Salems Latte

13. Attack of the Fifty-Foot Thyroid

I Need A Ghostbuster

Two nights ago I dreamed that, as I lay snoring, my dear departed Grandma appeared before me, cackled "GO BACK TO SLEEP" and then electric-boogalooed right through the wall.

What can this mean?

Support Global Warming

"Aloha!" to Julie from Reading, PA

Julie, the one-time accounts-receivable lady from "Ortho of Reading" has moved on, and to Hawaii of all places! I was Julie's account rep here at Rocco's Everything 99 Cents, and, as I have seen not one but two episodes of Hawaii Five-O, and can air-drum the theme song, I thought it only fitting that I offer my pal and colleague Julie some perhaps not unwelcome information. Let us begin.

Although a single state, Hawaii is actually composed of five islands which in turn are made up of several million 'commonwealths,' each consisting of a dense, milk-chocolate nucleus around which orbit one or more electrons. The five Hawaii islands are, Ellis, Rhode, Long, Treasure, and Daktamoreau, which is located west of Tehran.

As near as anyone has been able to ascertain, four of the islands are populated only by the NFL Pro-Bowl and armies of flesh-eating ferns, while the fifth, Ellis, is home only to Don and Chin Ho, Robert Kiyosaki, Kam Fong, and the pre-rescue version of Tom Hanks from the motion picture Castaway (2000, dir. Robert Zemeckis, two thumbs up).

Natives of Hawaii speak, not surprisingly, Hawaiian, a language made up entirely of the single word 'aloha' and it's various anagramatical derivatives. The Hawaiian state flag shows a grinning, flaming skull devouring what looks like all three of the Brady girls. The state song is the beloved "Ahola a shaka goa ah."

The first-time visitor to Hawaii will find the following words and simple expressions useful:

Aloha --- "Hello."

Aloha --- "Goodbye."

Aloha --- "Say what?"/"Whassup"/"You da man"/"You don't say"/"Booyah!"/"Sweet!"/"You're fired/hired"/"I'll get back to you"/"Courage."/"Oh! The humanity!"/"Today I consider myself the luckiest man/woman on the face of the earth."

Aloha Allah --- Hello God.

A Ha! --- "Yes! Now I see!"

Alo Ha ha --- "Very funny."

Alo Ha ha ha ha --- "Yes. Very funny indeed. You are most droll and amusing."

Alo Ha ha ha hoo hoo --- "You have a most droll and amusing vagina."

Alo Ho Ho Ho --- "Merry Christmas!"

Alo Ho Ho Ho, Ho --- "Merry Christmas, Ho!"

Hoala Hoal Ha --- "Can you tell me where I may leagally evacuate my poi-bloated bowels?"

Hola hoala hoa loa --- "There? But there I see only flesh-eating ferns!"

Aloha --- "They're eating me alive!"

Hoalla oo ooo oooo --- "What's the frequency Kenneth?"

And there you have it Julie. I hope this (necessarily incomplete) guide will prove beneficial. Adios!

Alternate Openings to Great Movies --- "Goodfellas"

FADE IN

INT: HENRY'S CAR --- NIGHT

WE SEE HENRY, JIMMY, and TOMMY. HENRY is driving. JIMMY, in the passenger's seat, and TOMMY, in the rear seat, embracing a shovel, are dozing off. The sleepy humming of the wheels is suddenly interupted by a thumping sound. JIMMY Awakens. His eyes are on HENRY. TOMMY leans forward from the rear seat. Silence. Thump! Silence.

TOMMY
What the fuck was that? Jimmy?

HENRY
What's up? Did I hit something?

JIMMY
What the fuck is that?

TOMMY
Maybe you got a flat.

JIMMY
What the fuck? Pull over.

EXT. MERRITT PARKWAY --- NIGHT

Car pulls off the road onto the grass. HENRY, JIMMY and TOMMY, still holding the shovel, get out of the car.

TOMMY (Tries the trunk)
Open it.

HENRY
Uh. Tommy, I ... I don't got the trunk key. I dropped it at your Mom's.

TOMMY (Can't believe his ears)
You fuckin' what? You LOST it?

HENRY
Listen. I'm real sorry.

TOMMY
You miserable prick!

JIMMY (Holds up his hands)
Boys. Boys. Please.
(Takes something from his pocket)
Here. Let me try.

TOMMY
What the fuck is that?

JIMMY (Works at the trunk.)
Slimjim! (The trunk pops open.)

TOMMY
Hey! Jimmy got it!

TOMMY, and HENRY hop up and down like little girls, clapping their hands and repeating "Jimmy got it."

JIMMY (VO)
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a locksmith.

R.I.P Dr. Remmick C. Mendelsohn

The world of science and learning has lost one of its true giants.

Dr. Remmick C. Mendelsohn, Ph.D, was born in Nepalana, Indiana on July 2, 1923. After graduating from the St. Georges School for Boys, he attended Princeton University, where he received the first of many academic laurels. Dr. Mendelsohn served in the US Navy in Europe during the second world war, contributing to the design of distributed RADAR installations, and doing ground-breaking work on the emerging field of Fraujallo Matrices. He was the winner of the 32nd Smithinson Medal for outstanding research in the field of particle physics.

After the war he founded the New School for Scientific Research, in Andover, and launched the Journal for Scholastic Methodontrics and the Annals of Investigatory Quantum Mechanics. (In 1982 he relinguished his publishers position to his assistant, Carmichael Fields.) He is a three-time winner of the Science Digest Emminence Award, a twice-recipient of the Sturcher Prize, Germany's oldest and highest honor for scientific scholarship, and he has garnered over three dozen honorary degrees from institutions the world over.

In 1984 he was named by then-president Ronald Reagan to head the American Science Council. He has been a technical consultant on many radio, television and motion picture productions. In his final decades he was a guest lecturer at conferences and symposia in North America, Europe and Asia.

He died on the toilet last night at 11:09PM.

Dr. Mendelsohn is survived by his sixth wife, his health club membership, half a parrot, two "leather daddies," and a sort of half boy/half lemur thing found cowering behind the smaller spit-sink. In lieu of a religious service, his widow has requested that everyone just "get on with their stinking lives and leave me the f**k alone!"

Authorities are still searching for the body.

Horrible Titles For Blues Songs

1. I'm Your Hoochie Coochie Server This Evening

2. Mannish Boyish Love Association Blues

3. Dust My Wet-Vac

4. I Can't Quit You Bub. Get Me?

5. Walkin' Quadraplegic Blues

6. Hellhound On My Couch

7. Don't Let Your Deal Go Too Egregiously Beyond Deadline

8. Travellin' Riverside Strangler Blues

9. I'm Your Backdoor Mensch

10. Mummy! I've Made It Into Exeter Blues

Save The Planet

The worst thing about global warming? It makes the snowmen cry.

Awful Titles for Westerns

1. The Odious Ones

2. Covered Vegan

3. The Raffleman

4. High Noun

5. Whole Grains Drifter

6. Tru-Grout

7. Food Fight at the A-OK Corral

8. Bunches Gone Wild

9. Waggin' Train

10. Cat Ballet

11. Billy I Shrunk the Kid

12. Little Big Toe

13. Plums Along the Mohawk

14. Peas! Peas! Peas!

15. Pet Ferret and Billy the Cod

16. Duel at Strumpet's Crevice

17. Horse, Interupted

18. A Cyst Full of Dollars

19. Alias Al Roker

20. il operini del horsi

Terrible Names For Bluesmen

1. Mute Lemon Jefferson

2. Blond Goy Fuller

3. Johnny "Didgeridoo" Watson

4. Kurt Godel

5. Ululatin' Wolfe

6. Ku Klux Klooney

7. John Moe

8. Audit Trail McCoy

9. Elizabeth Cotton Dockers

10. Howlin' Rosenthal